


5 Times Bucky Almost Told Steve He Loves Him + 1 Time He Did

by sangha



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5 times + 1, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, mention of PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 01:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3710623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sangha/pseuds/sangha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky had never meant for any of this to happen. When he first met Steve, back on the playground at school, he had no idea what he was getting into. He thought he was just helping out a scrawny kid who was getting beaten up and who didn’t know when to surrender. What could he say, he’d always had a soft spot for the underdog.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Times Bucky Almost Told Steve He Loves Him + 1 Time He Did

1.  
Bucky had never meant for any of this to happen. When he first met Steve, back on the playground at school, he had no idea what he was getting into. He thought he was just helping out a scrawny kid who was getting beaten up and who didn’t know when to surrender. What could he say, he’d always had a soft spot for the underdog. 

But here he was, a decade later, trying to figure out how he could be normal. He knew he should be chasing after girls at this age, so he did. Except his heart wasn’t in it. He got along with girls easily enough, but when he heard other boys talk about things they’d done with girls, or wanted to do with them, he didn’t feel anything, except maybe a slight aversion to the whole thing. 

He knew about queers – of course he did, growing up where he did. So technically, he knew he wasn’t the only one, but he still felt wrong for wanting what he wanted. Not just because he should be interested in girls, but also because Steve was too good to be corrupted by his stupidity. 

So he never said anything. Sometimes he would look at Steve and feel the overwhelming urge to just kiss him, or to grandly declare his love, or to do something. But every time he would take a deep breath and stop himself. Crisis averted.

So when Steve walks home after his mother’s funeral, Bucky doesn’t say anything. Steve looks sad in a way Bucky hasn’t seen before. He looks tired, drained, more beaten up than he ever did with a dozen cuts and bruises on his face. Bucky wants to remind Steve that he’s got people who love him – at least one person anyway. But he can’t say it. It’s too close to a truth he can’t face, can’t make Steve face. 

Steve smiles that sad smile of his and Bucky can’t help it. He can’t just say nothing. He wants to tell Steve that it’s okay if Steve needs his help. That Bucky would love nothing more than to sleep on couch cushions on the floor if it meant being around Steve. That he wants to share an apartment with Steve. He even pretends he would be doing Steve a favor instead of the other way around. His ‘I love you’ comes out as “I’m with you till the end of the line, pal.” For a second, he worries he’s given away too much, but Steve looks at him like he always does. 

Bucky moves into the tiny apartment the following month. He tells himself he does it to help Steve.

 

2.  
He hasn’t told Steve yet that he got his orders. It’s not fair to Steve, but he’s been postponing the inevitable anyway. Tomorrow he has to leave. When he first heard he was shipping out, he felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. He’d been proud to enlist, he wanted to fight for his country, but there was someone right here who needed to be fought for. Steve would never admit it, but he couldn’t fight every battle on his own. And Bucky was happy to help him out. He felt sick thinking about not knowing how Steve was doing, if he could make rent, if someone was going to beat him up in an alley and this time, Steve wasn’t going to get up. He tries not to think about it, but that also means not talking about his leaving to Steve. Saying those words out loud would make them real.

In the end, he opts for show rather than tell. He finds Steve, unsurprisingly, in an alley, getting his ass kicked. When Steve spots his uniform, Bucky feels a twinge of guilt. He should have just told Steve, instead of springing this on him by wearing his military uniform. 

He felt pretty reckless this morning, when the full realization that this is possibly his last day in Brooklyn ever kicked in. In fact, he could just say whatever he wants to say and not deal with the consequences. He can tell Steve everything and by the time he comes back, Steve will have found some nice girl to settle down with. If he comes back, of course. Either way, this is his one opportunity to speak completely freely. And yet, the words won’t come. He looks at that sad smile of Steve’s and realizes he can’t put this on his friend. He can’t make Steve sadder than he already is. 

He drags Steve along on a double date to a science exposition instead. It takes his mind off the war for a moment, but when he turns around to share his excitement about an almost-levitating car with Steve, his friend is still looking at him with those sad eyes. He should’ve said something sooner. 

The evening goes by in a haze and his goodbye to Steve feels rushed. At least he’s content in knowing that nobody is going to recruit Steve.

 

3.  
He hates the war. He hates the cold, the not knowing when the Germans are going to attack again, the constant state of anxiety, the dirt and the blood and the guts. But most of all he hates how he’s good at it. He’s a good sniper, which means he’s useful. He knows what Steve would say. “You’re doing a lot of good for your country, Buck.” And he supposes he is, that with every dead German at his hands, an Allied life is saved and they are one step closer to winning the war. But it’s hard to remember when all he sees is a kid his age, just trying to do a lot of good for his country. 

He tries to write to Steve, to explain all this in letters that he never sends. He doesn’t want Steve to think he’s a coward. Still, he keeps writing them. They’re more of a diary than anything else, but he feels connected to Steve through them. 

Usually there are other guys around him when he’s writing, but not tonight. He’s by himself in his foxhole, the others playing cards or telling unlikely stories. He doesn’t have to censor himself tonight for fear of someone looking over his shoulder. It’s liberating.

Dear Steve,

I wish I could get outta here. I know, I know. That’s like blasphemy to you. But I’m telling ya, war really doesn’t live up to anyone’s expectations. Taking a shit in the freezing cold gets kinda tired after a while. Actually, the freezing cold just gets kinda tired after a while. It’s a good thing you got rejected, kid. Your lungs woulda given out by now. Yeah, I know. Stop babying you. Not my fault your lungs can’t do their job though. 

Anyway, I don’t wish you were here. I’m glad you don’t have to deal with any of this shit. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I was there. With you. I sound like a giant sap, but it’s true Stevie. I woulda never left Brooklyn if I knew what the war was going to be like. Even if that makes me a coward, I don’t care. 

And I know that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but I can’t help it. If I had to choose between you and winning the war, it’d be you. I know what that makes me and I know that’s wrong. So be it. It doesn’t matter anyway. You’re safe in Brooklyn and I’m here on the front lines. Guess it’s the best I’ll get. 

Bucky

Yet, even on paper, he cannot bring himself to say the words “I love you.” Not that anyone reading that letter could arrive at any other conclusion. He briefly entertains the thought of mailing it anyway, before remembering that Steve, who is brave and kind and cares about doing the right thing, would never feel the same as Bucky. He wants to tear the letter in half, like all the other letters he’s written and didn’t mail, forgetting about his own stupid words, but he can’t bring himself to do it. This letter is the most honest he’s ever been with himself, and even if he doesn’t like his true self, he can’t just get rid of it. He carefully folds the letter and tucks it away in his pocket. 

 

4.  
He barely knows where he is, or if he’s even awake. When he sees someone who looks like Steve, except three times his size, he’s sure he’s hallucinating. He hears himself say “Steve?” The hallucination looks relieved. 

It isn’t until he sees Zola on the other side of that bridge and he feels his stomach twist with nausea that he knows he’s not hallucinating. Somehow, this huge version of Steve is real. He can’t tear his eyes away from Zola, though. Even when Schmidt pulls off his own face to reveal the Red Skull underneath, he doesn’t feel as sick as when he looks at Zola. He doesn’t know what Zola did to him, but he knows it’s not good. He wonders if he’s going to end up like Schmidt; he had probably been experimented on by Zola too, though Schmidt would have been a far more willing test subject. 

When the place is going up in flames, he can’t believe Steve actually suggests that Bucky leave without him. As if he would ever leave Steve like that, he thinks angrily. This new Steve must not know him very well. The jump makes Bucky’s jaw drop. He must still be hallucinating. 

\--- 

He wasn’t hallucinating. Steve is now Captain America. At least Steve has the dignity to laugh at the stupid name. He’s dead serious about everything else. 

“Erskine picked me, Buck, to be a super-soldier. I mean, I wasn’t meant to be the only one, but well…I am now. And I can finally do some good.” Steve had explained the whole process to him on their way back to base. They had found a quiet spot in the woods, away from the other soldiers, to talk in private. 

“Do some good? Christ, Steve, you were safe back there! Why would you give that up?”

“Because I was sitting on my ass, doing nothing to help! Why should my safety matter when so many men are fighting and dying over here?” A hint of righteousness creeps into Steve’s tone. Bucky has always resented that tone, mostly because it meant he was about to lose some argument. Who could argue against the greater good?

“They took you and turned you into a fucking weapon, Steve! That’s just not right! You’re a goddamn person, not some experiment!” His voice was rising in anger. He hated this new body, the one made for war. He wanted Steve as far away from the war as possible. He hated Erskine and Stark and whoever else was involved in this for doing this to Steve. Steve wasn’t a war machine. The only thing that had calmed Bucky was the knowledge that Steve was safe in Brooklyn, and now they had taken that from him too. 

“If that’s what it takes for me to fight, who cares?” Steve’s anger was starting to match Bucky’s.

“I do!” Bucky practically shouts. “I fucking care, Steve, because I –” he says, stopping himself just in time. 

It’s as if Bucky knocked the fight right out of Steve. “Because what?” he asks carefully.

Shit. “Because I’m your friend,” he finishes lamely. He hopes Steve won’t ask any further.

Steve nods. Bucky could swear there are tears in his friend’s eyes, but he doesn’t comment on it. 

“We should probably get back. Before anyway wonders where we are,” Bucky says, trying to sound casual.

Steve nods again, gets up and walks back to their camp a couple of paces ahead of Bucky. Bucky doesn’t try to catch up.

 

5.  
Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hate Steve’s new body. He is still angry that this has been done to his friend and he is still a little annoyed with Steve for agreeing to such a monumentally stupid experiment, but well, that body certainly doesn’t make it easier for Bucky to be around Steve. 

He loves Steve no matter what he looks like, that’s the simple truth of it. He loved Steve when he was a skinny, sickly kid, or when he was all beaten up, his face barely recognizable, or when he looks like a Greek god. Admittedly, it isn’t that hard to appreciate this new form, although his mixed feelings about Project Rebirth never cease to exist. 

In being away from Steve for so long, he’d forgotten just how strong his feelings are. It’s close to unbearable to be around Steve all the time, but the thought of Steve taking down HYDRA without him is even less bearable. So he sucks it up and keeps going. 

The other Howling Commandos are nice guys, but sometimes he just has to be alone for a little while. His body feels different somehow, as if it isn’t truly his anymore. He doesn’t want the others to notice his concern, so going off by himself seems like the best solution. Even if they asked, he couldn’t have described what it felt like. Not that that stops Steve from asking, stubborn bastard that he is.

Bucky has removed himself from the group for a moment, as he does so often nowadays. This time, Steve finds him.

“Bucky? Is everything alright?” Steve asks, concern clearly audible.

“Yeah, just wanna be alone for a while,” he replies, sounding a little grumpier than he means to.

“Is it okay if I just sit here? You don’t have to talk or anything,” Steve offers.

Bucky wants to say yes, but it’ll only make things worse. He makes himself shake his head with what feels like a herculean effort. “I really want to be by myself now.”

Steve starts to walk away, when he suddenly turns back around to Bucky. “Did I do something?” he asks.

“No,” Bucky says, not trusting himself to elaborate.

“Then why are you avoiding me?” His voice is filled with concern, not a trace of accusation to be found.

Bucky lets out a mirthless laugh. It sounds harsh and empty, even to himself. He wants to say it. This is as good an opportunity as any. He could just say “because I love you and I want you but it’s not possible, it’s never going to happen,” but he doesn’t. Instead, he says, “I’m not avoiding you, or anyone. I just need some time for myself every now and then.”

Steve nods. “Okay.”

\--- 

A few days later, as he’s falling, seemingly endlessly, he thinks, “I should’ve just said it.”

 

+1  
Bucky knows who he is again. It took a long time, but the combined efforts of Steve, Natasha, Sam, and more therapists than he cares to count have allowed him to come back to himself. There is still the occasional gap in his memory, but most of it has been restored. Sometimes he’s not sure if that’s a good thing. 

Still, he’s here and Steve’s happy, which is what counts. He’s living in Steve’s apartment, though thankfully they have separate bedrooms this time. He doesn’t think eighty years of pent up feelings would stay hidden for very long if they had to share a bed like old times. 

The nightmares complicate things, though. Steve insists it’s better for Bucky if there’s someone in the same room as him when the nightmares occur. Bucky insists he’s doing fine, but Steve is nothing if not persistent, so one day, there’s a dog waiting for him in their apartment. 

“Meet Leila,” Steve says, gesturing at the brown Labrador sitting in front of him. “She’s trained to wake you up when you’re having a nightmare.” He’s practically beaming, looking at Bucky hopefully.

“You never give in, do you?” Bucky grins. “But I guess I can deal with this,” he says, petting Leila. He only touches her with his right hand, which he’s sure Steve notices. “Thank you,” he finally says to Steve, quietly.

He smiles. “You’re welcome, Buck.”

\--- 

Leila is a big help; she wakes him up when the nightmares have barely even started and his sleep has become less fitful. He and Steve are both more relaxed now that he’s not waking up screaming every night, making life in their apartment far more pleasant.

Bucky’s feelings don’t change, but he’s managing them fairly well, if he does say so himself. He’s aware of the changes that have happened since the 1940s and that it is now mostly considered backward and bigoted to think people like him are wrong, but that doesn’t change the fact that Steve isn’t like him. He saw the way Steve looked at Peggy Carter back then and that was all the proof he needed to know nothing was ever going to happen. He has made his peace with that part of his life. Until everything is turned upside down again. 

He comes home to find Steve on the couch, clutching a letter in his hand. He’s been crying. 

“Steve?” Bucky asks. “What’s going on?”

Steve takes a deep breath. “Natasha said SHIELD found some of Zola’s old papers, the ones he took with him from the factory that night.” Bucky feels his stomach twist a little at the mention of Zola, but he doesn’t speak. “There was a letter in there,” he continues, handing a piece of paper to Bucky.

He recognizes his own handwriting staring back at him. It’s the one note he kept, stupidly, he now realizes. Of course someone was going to find it. Zola obviously had, and had kept it, probably to gain some more insight into his test subject, Bucky thinks, feeling disgusted. “So. I guess you know now,” he says, without looking at Steve. “I’ll pack my stuff if you want me to, because I still love you and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. I get that you wouldn’t want to deal with that shit.” He is finally able to utter those three silly words, now that he’s probably ruined their friendship anyway. Not that Steve would ever turn his back on Bucky because of this, but there is no coming back from this. You don’t just tell your best friend that you’ve always loved him and go on like you were. 

He starts to walk to his room when he feels a hand on his shoulder, turning him back around. “You’re such an idiot, Buck,” Steve says before pulling him into a hug. “Not that I’m any better.” Steve lets out a laugh. 

Bucky feels hope building in his gut, but he can’t let himself hope too much. He is not hugging Steve back, far too confused for any movement at the moment.

“I love you too, you big drama queen,” Steve finally says.

**Author's Note:**

> My [tumblr](http://www.hufflepuffbuckybarnes.tumblr.com)


End file.
